A derangetropy operator reweighs a probability density by a fixed profile of its own cumulative distribution function, acting through ranks alone. We prove that these operators are precisely the transformations of absolutely continuous laws equivariant under monotone changes of variable, and that they compose through interval maps, making their dynamics exactly solvable: iteration condenses every law onto its median with a universal Koenigs limit law, the continuous flow is solvable in closed form with the Cauchy family as invariant hyperbolic manifold, and balanced against diffusion the distribution function obeys an overdamped sine-Gordon equation whose unique steady law, the hyperbolic secant, is a globally stable kink. A variational principle selects the canonical kernel, the squared ground state of the Dirichlet Laplacian on the unit interval, whose update is a Bayesian posterior costing exactly one bit for every law, and a unitary lift equips each law with an isospectral Sturm-Liouville system and a quantum carpet: a strong law of large numbers for the critical Sobolev mass, with sharp constant given by Wiener's jump statistic, proves the fractality of the Schrödinger density for arbitrary real bounded-variation data with a jump, previously known only for rational step data. A lift to the dual of the Virasoro algebra, at central charge one, a normalization, identifies laws with disconjugate Hill potentials, tails with conformal weights, and the Cauchy family with the exceptional orbit. Randomized phases yield an exact sampler and a multiplicative chaos, log-correlated in the weakly tempered regime; in several dimensions, dependence stratifies into a conserved interaction, a torsion driven by maximal correlation, and a flat Sinkhorn transport.
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